Grieve well, live well series Week 6

                                                                   REGRETS

Beth ran down the stairs excited out of her skin, she gets to ride on Josh’s new motorcycle. Everyone else had gotten a ride, well except for dad who did not want one under any circumstance! Josh and Beth had shared everything since she was born. She was two and a half years younger than him but they have looked like twins for the last six years. This really irritated Josh, he was the older brother and wasn’t afraid to correct any misconceptions. Now he was twenty and in the Army National Guard. He seemed to have grown taller, wiser, and older. Finally Beth was truly his ‘little sister’. I gave Josh a hug and turned to give Beth one too but she already had her helmet on and was swinging onto the back of the bike, she couldn’t wait. Josh gave her some basic instructions and off they rode. Quite a pair those two, both in love with life and the adventure it held.

That was the last time I saw them. Three miles away from home the bike caught gravel in the middle of our little mountain road and they crossed into oncoming traffic. In that moment they both slid through the gates of heaven and into Jesus’ loving arms. I slid into the darkness where, over time, I learned firsthand about God’s way of grieving, versus the worlds way. I am often asked if I have any regrets, of course I do. I regret not giving Beth a hug and telling them that I loved them one last time. I regret not telling Josh to be extra careful with his sister on the back. Honestly I regret ever giving her permission to even ride. Can I fix those regrets? No, I can’t. Does God want me to just live with them? I don’t believe so.

Some regrets are the enemies lies, “If you were a better mother you would have said ‘no’.” or “You are guilty for allowing her to go, now it is your fault they are dead.” Just to name a couple possibilities. I had a decision to make; I could accept those lies and live with the guilt and regret. This choice would eat away at me and my peace. Or, I could release them and follow Romans 12:18 “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you live in peace with everyone.” Clinging to the regret or false guilt would only bring me harm. These regrets need to be expressed. Reconciliation is needed. I needed to speak the truth in love even when speaking it to myself. It could be that making peace with someone who had died means writing them a letter asking for forgiveness. Maybe it is a fresh entry in my journal expressing that regret or false guilt, in a way getting it off my chest. I am not responsible for the other person’s reaction, since the recipients are now walking with Christ I am doing my part and leaving the rest up to God. At this point I have followed, “As far as it depends on me, live in peace with everyone.”

Expressing regrets is not easy. It takes time to formulate what the regrets are and what needs to be done to express them. This is not a quick fix, regrets repeatedly pop their heads up like the groundhogs I just can’t seem to get rid of in my yard. The longer it has been the less often I need to deal with them. Some people do not have any regrets, they are fortunate indeed. For those of us who have regrets, express them and lay them before our Lord. He is in the business of forgiveness.

Lets review:

World’s way to grieve                  God’s way to grieve

Replace the loss                        Feel the pain, express your feelings fully

Bury the pain                             Review the loss, spend time in the sad places

Grieve alone                                   Grieve in community

Live with regret                              Express regrets, seek reconciliation

 

What are your regrets? How have you expressed them?

       

Grieve Well, Live Well Series Week 5

Time heals... really?

There are three things we have covered concerning walking through grief. Let’s review what we have already discussed:

World’s way to grieve                 God’s way to grieve       

Replace the loss                      Feel the pain, express your feeling fully

Bury the pain                           Review the loss, spend time in the sad places

Grieve alone                            Grieve in community

 

Today I want to address the question I am most often asked, “How long does it take to get over it?”

The underlying question really is, “How much time does it take to heal?” There is a lie tied into that question, time heals. We have all heard, and some of us are guilty of even telling someone, “Time heals all wounds, just give it time.” I believe even I have given children who have lost a loved pet and teens with a broken heart that destructive sympathy, honestly thinking I was helping. I now know it is a lie. What I have learned over the last eight years is that only the Holy Spirit brings healing. 

I am not an experienced Gardner but I have given it the old “College try”. One thing I experienced is that if in my exuberance in trimming my daises I clip off one of my precious buds, of which I have very few, no matter what effort I put in it will not reattach its self-back to the main stem. Despite being a living thing it cannot heal. I can bandage, tape it with floral tape, fertilize the main plant and give it all the time in the world but it will never re-attach, it was not created to be able to. Time does not heal my daisy.  

If in that same moment of exuberance in trimming my daises I get my hand in the way I have a choice to make. Now we don’t ever consider it a choice but give me a bit of artistic license here. One choice is to leave it be, do nothing. Imagine if I were to just continue gardening as if nothing happened, except that I would be dripping blood all over my garden. If I just leave it alone, let’s say it doesn’t become infected, it will still heal kind of. The scar will be nasty and unsightly. It will hurt anytime someone touches it but it does heal over. 

Option two I am sure you already have running over in your mind. Yes, I go running into the house screaming, “Who had the first aid kit last?!” I scrub it out with bactine, put on steri-stips, antibiotic cream, and gauze then bind it up. Next I look up when my last tetanus shot was. After gathering everyone up I head off to the doctor’s office for stitches. I told you I was exuberantly trimming right? God in His sovereignty created our bodies to heal but there are steps we need to take to aid in that healing.  

Healing in grief is the same way. We have a choice, we can bury it (ignore it). It will scab over and a scar will cover it but the scar is not really hidden it is not healed. There is great pain when it is bumped up against by another death. When we seek God’s help in walking through grief he leads us through and gives us the Holy Spirit to bind up our broken hearts. It is not the time that heals but God’s touch through time. The community that has surrounds you in your time of grief is part of that healing in being “Jesus with skin on” they are His representatives. Though He is always with us in spirit He cannot physically hold us. He gave us spiritual nurses ready with listening ears, hugs, Kleenex, a pan of lasagna, and a community to walk with you through the healing time.  

Helpers: Keep in touch. The three month, six month, and nine month anniversaries are difficult days to navigate alone. Send a card, drop off fresh flowers, or make a phone call. Any of these will bring comfort; it is the sincerity that counts. The yearly mark I like to call the “Angelversary”. This is not because I believe they become angels but because they are now hanging out with the angels. Acknowledge this date with special love and attention.