Grieve Well, Live Well Series Week 5

Time heals... really?

There are three things we have covered concerning walking through grief. Let’s review what we have already discussed:

World’s way to grieve                 God’s way to grieve       

Replace the loss                      Feel the pain, express your feeling fully

Bury the pain                           Review the loss, spend time in the sad places

Grieve alone                            Grieve in community

 

Today I want to address the question I am most often asked, “How long does it take to get over it?”

The underlying question really is, “How much time does it take to heal?” There is a lie tied into that question, time heals. We have all heard, and some of us are guilty of even telling someone, “Time heals all wounds, just give it time.” I believe even I have given children who have lost a loved pet and teens with a broken heart that destructive sympathy, honestly thinking I was helping. I now know it is a lie. What I have learned over the last eight years is that only the Holy Spirit brings healing. 

I am not an experienced Gardner but I have given it the old “College try”. One thing I experienced is that if in my exuberance in trimming my daises I clip off one of my precious buds, of which I have very few, no matter what effort I put in it will not reattach its self-back to the main stem. Despite being a living thing it cannot heal. I can bandage, tape it with floral tape, fertilize the main plant and give it all the time in the world but it will never re-attach, it was not created to be able to. Time does not heal my daisy.  

If in that same moment of exuberance in trimming my daises I get my hand in the way I have a choice to make. Now we don’t ever consider it a choice but give me a bit of artistic license here. One choice is to leave it be, do nothing. Imagine if I were to just continue gardening as if nothing happened, except that I would be dripping blood all over my garden. If I just leave it alone, let’s say it doesn’t become infected, it will still heal kind of. The scar will be nasty and unsightly. It will hurt anytime someone touches it but it does heal over. 

Option two I am sure you already have running over in your mind. Yes, I go running into the house screaming, “Who had the first aid kit last?!” I scrub it out with bactine, put on steri-stips, antibiotic cream, and gauze then bind it up. Next I look up when my last tetanus shot was. After gathering everyone up I head off to the doctor’s office for stitches. I told you I was exuberantly trimming right? God in His sovereignty created our bodies to heal but there are steps we need to take to aid in that healing.  

Healing in grief is the same way. We have a choice, we can bury it (ignore it). It will scab over and a scar will cover it but the scar is not really hidden it is not healed. There is great pain when it is bumped up against by another death. When we seek God’s help in walking through grief he leads us through and gives us the Holy Spirit to bind up our broken hearts. It is not the time that heals but God’s touch through time. The community that has surrounds you in your time of grief is part of that healing in being “Jesus with skin on” they are His representatives. Though He is always with us in spirit He cannot physically hold us. He gave us spiritual nurses ready with listening ears, hugs, Kleenex, a pan of lasagna, and a community to walk with you through the healing time.  

Helpers: Keep in touch. The three month, six month, and nine month anniversaries are difficult days to navigate alone. Send a card, drop off fresh flowers, or make a phone call. Any of these will bring comfort; it is the sincerity that counts. The yearly mark I like to call the “Angelversary”. This is not because I believe they become angels but because they are now hanging out with the angels. Acknowledge this date with special love and attention.