Grieve Well, Live Well Series - Week 4

                                                                  COMMUNITY

“Come with me by your selves to a quiet place and get some rest,” Jesus said to his disciples. (Mark 6:10) He had just received the news that John had been beheaded. The crowds had gathered around Jesus and his disciples not even giving them a chance to eat. Jesus knew he needed to get away, not alone right then but with His closest friends, his disciples. They got into a boat and attempted to withdraw to a solitary place.

After a death the family gets invaded. The ant pile has been stirred bringing family and friends from all across the country and everyone is congregating around the hurting family. Everyone wants to help ease the pain but truthfully no one really knows how to do that except by being there. All this is good and healthy but can be overwhelming at the time. This is especially true if the death is sudden or there is a child who died.

                Eventually the crowds leave. The extended family leaves. The sympathy cards stop. The house gets, well honestly, cemetery quiet. This is when community is needed. God created us to be in community, “It is not good that man be alone”. Life is too hard to navigate alone. How often do we tell our kids they need to have a ‘buddy’? It is not safe to swim alone, bike alone, or hike alone. Why do we think we can find our way through life alone?

Community is more than just two people. It is a support system, a network of people working together to bring support and compassion for an extended period of time. Support like this needs to be established ahead of time. I truly believe this is one of the reasons why we are told to, “not forsake the fellowshipping of the brethren.”  It is an intregal our part of our support system.

Jesus’ support system was his disciples. He made great effort to get away from the hub-bub with them. He was able to accomplish part of that just being in the boat while crossing the lake. When they arrived a crowd had already gathered and His alone time with the disciples stopped because he had compassion on the people. He ended up feeding 5,000 that day.  Just as the people finished eating he ordered the disciples to get into the boat and leave, without Him. He had a plan. He dismissed the crowd and went up on a mountainside to pray. He spent time alone with His Father. The next recorded action was not until the middle of the night when He walked on water out to meet up with the disciples. Jesus took the time to be in community with His disciples and with His Father.

When you are grieving you have a need to be surrounded by your support community. You also have a need to spend time with the source of your strength, God. When you have been with Him in focused time whether that is on a walk, alone in your room or sitting quietly encircled by your friends, you gain strength to put one foot in front of the other. You also have people willing to walk with you.

While a close relationship with God is irreplaceable sometimes a friend becomes “Jesus with skin on”. Since He can’t physically be with you He has sent friends to serve in this capacity at times.

Helpers: Be “Jesus with skin on” to those who are grieving. Surround them with community by your presence, words, and deeds.

 

Grieve Well, Live Well - Series - Week 3

REVIEW and HANG OUT

Ok, I will admit this right up front. This week has been very hard to write and I have started it three times. Each time I approach this week’s grief subject from another angle and it still feels more like I am writing a text book than a blog. BLAH!! Grief has so many facets it is hard to pin down and cover only one. Feelings bounce up and down leaving us feeling more like a punching bag or a ping pong ball, up and down, back and forth; never stopping then leaving us just plain beat up.

Our culture teaches us to bury our feelings with busyness and preoccupation. There are times when burying it seems like the easy way to deal with our grief. Galatians 6:7 us about burying seeds, it goes something like this:

“you reap what you sow”

 Hummm so if I sow grief, by burying it, what will I reap?? I have seen this harvest, it is anger, depression, self-medicating with drugs or alcohol just to name a few. I do not want my grief to haunt me years from now. God has given us a different way of dealing with grief.  Psalms 126:5 gives us a better way to heal.

“Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.”

 Sow with tears! This is contrary to our culture telling us to burying the pain. When Jesus learned of his cousin’s beheading (John the Baptist was beheaded by Herod) there were people swarming to him. He tried to get away and rest by getting into the boat and traveling across the lake. (Mark 6:12) They still found him and hemmed him in as soon as he stepped ashore. He was kept busy until late into the night. He fed them then immediately ordered the disciples to get into the boat and sent them away. Jesus then dismissed the people and went away to the mountain to pray. (Mark 6:46) He needed time to grieve, to review the loss and hang out in the sad place. We do not know what exactly he did during that time for the next time the disciples saw him he was walking on water. I don’t know about you but when I spend time in my grief with God he meets me there and I walk away with a fresh perspective. It looks like Jesus did the same after spending time with His Father.

So what can we learn from this? Review the loss. Hang out in the sad place letting the pain settle into the soul. Reflection and review is needed to help the brain to adjust to the new reality. This takes time and doesn’t happen just once. This week was one of those times of review and reflection, hanging out in the sad places. Even after six years there are moments where I just flat miss my children and feel the hole their deaths have left in my heart. The further away from my loss the longer it is between these times and the shorter the sad times last. I have found it healthy and healing to stop and just “hang out” when the sad times come.

For the helpers: Please do not rush a person who is grieving. You may want your old friend back. Please realize they have a new reality to adjust to and grief does not have a time table. Be patient, be present, be accepting.

Grieve Well, Live Well Week 2

Little things are BIG

             A memorial service has just concluded. The fellowship hall is crowded. The kitchen counter is overflowing with food. Fresh cut flowers dot the room in their varied colors and the blended fragrances send a pleasant aroma into the air. The beauty of the arrangements triggers the thought, deep sorrow needs intense beauty. Young children play tag weaving in and out of the chairs and groups of adults who are engaged in differing depths of conversation. The unspoken question in this room is “How can I support and be a real help for the family?”  Paul gives us the first clue on grieving well and helping the grieving.      

                                        “Mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15 

                Our culture goes against what God says, it has taught us beginning very young to cry alone. Who has heard a parent say “Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about” or “If you are going to cry go to your room”. God tells us to cry together.  But what does it look like? Yes, some of us can easily cry with them but others find it more difficult.  Mourning with them does not mean we necessarily need to shed tears.  It is being with them while they mourn that is needed. A box of Kleenex is a good idea to have available, for the griever to grab. In our culture giving a person a tissue is a silent, often sub conscious, gesture which means, “now stop and dry off”.  Sitting there when there are no words said or the all-important “listening ear” is needed also. Mourning is the outward expression of deep sorrow. Not all mourning is done with tears. Jesus wept at the hoe of Mary and Martha after Lazarus died. He knew that he was goig to raise Lazarus but Lazarus would have to eventually die. I believe Jesus felt the sister's pain and he wept with them in their pain.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”  Ephesians 4:2

            There are Mary and Martha helpers. The Martha’s cook the meals, babysit the kids or maybe clean the house. The Mary’s cry with them and listen or take the griever by the hand and lead them outside for fresh air and maybe a long possibly silent walk.  We each have an important part. The one who makes a daily phone call just to check on how things are going is just as important. Asking “How are you doing?” is very awkward but asking “How is today?” is much more realistic though each step of each day can be different.  

The time around the death and the funeral is often filled with out of town family. As this attention dwindles it is the time for the church family and friends to step up. Every grief is unique and the needs of each griever should be considered. Do not make any assumptions. Make suggestions and listen to the answers. Desires and needs change, don’t be afraid to make the same suggestion again.

Of top importance for the griever in order to grieve well is, give yourself permission to express your feelings. Feelings need to be expressed to heal. Feelings are erratic and often repetitious. Be patient with yourself and your friends and FEEL.

Throughout the grieving process the little things are BIG.

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Grieve well, live well series - Week 1

“Why?”

Karen pulled up to Sue’s house searching for a parking place. The street is lined with cars and her drive way was full. Karen’s heart was pounding and feet felt like lead. “What did my pastor say? Sue’s son Aaron was riding his bike and a car rounded the corner too fast and hit him. He died instantly.” That cut Karen to the quick. Karen had watched Aaron grow up. He is… O Lord was, her son’s best friend.

Karen painstakingly climbed the stairs to the front door. “What can I say?” she kept asking herself. The door was not all the way closed, she could see that the living room was full but she was compelled to find Sue. All she wanted to do was hug her and say something to bring Sue comfort. Scanning the room she found Sue sitting in the corner chair surrounded by other friends, sobbing. A lone Kleenex box sat in front of her, empty. Karen was glad she had grabbed a box as she ran out the door. Their eyes met as Karen knelt before Sue. They both had the same question on their minds with different intentions, “Why?” Karen was searching, “Why Sue? How can I help?” Sue was pleading for answers, “Why me? Why now?” screamed in her head. Karen wrapped Sue in her arms and they cried.

We are all unprepared for a loved one’s death. It doesn’t matter if it was after an extended illness or a sudden tragedy. We are never ready. God did not create this world to have death, but he knows it is now a part of life in this fallen world. In His word He has shown us how to grieve in a healthy, healing way.

Follow me and over the next few weeks we will uncover the way God wants us to grieve. In doing this we will also discuss how to come alongside those who are grieving and help them grieve well. 

1 Thessalonians 4:13

Is there such a thing as grieving well?

In this life we all will experience the death of loved ones. There will also be those tough times when we desire to reach out to a sister who has just experienced loss but don’t know how. What do we do? What has our culture taught us to do? What does God want us to do with grief?

Over the next few weeks I will be blogging about grief. God wants us to grieve but not as those who have no hope. I will also discuss the do’s and don’ts of walking alongside a grieving sister.

Grab your Kleenex and a friend. I invite you to join me on this journey.

See you Monday,

Cari