Christmas Quandaries - Christmas morning

Presents

I sit in my own living room this Christmas Eve looking at the Christmas tree and listening to Christmas music. We are spending Christmas Eve at home this year. We will attend our own church for evening service and Abby with her husband of 3 years now host Christmas Day at their new home. The three stuffed animals; a raccoon, a frog, and a husky will join us at her house as well as three candles will be lighted. We still remember our children who are not here to give gifts to but the memories are not piercing. The memories are sweeter, salted with tears.

It has taken us quite a bit of time to reach this point. As I look back over the last decade we have made a lot of changes trying out new traditions to see which one worked best. Maybe it was more to see which ones carried the least painful memories. We tried opening family presents on Christmas Eve saving Christmas day for opening of presents with extended family. This worked until Chris died on December 27^th forever changing Christmas.

The following year Scott, Abby and I decided we had to get away for the entire week from Christmas Eve to New Years Day. We continued opening presents on Christmas Eve but we spent Christmas Day skiing. Extended family worked with us on this and we gathered on New Years Day for Christmas present exchange. This seemed to take the brutal-ness out of the emotions. This continued for three years before we eased back into a more normal Christmas schedule.

We had to redesign Christmas annually and change things up. Each year we re-evaluated what traditions had to be done, what could only be done with help and which ones had to stay on the back burner for another year.  We learned to be patient with each other and considerate of their feelings.

Every grieving family needs to evaluate traditions for themselves. Some families will change very little others will make dramatic changes for a time and then revert back to close to how they used to be. Grief is unique, families are unique, traditions are unique be gentle with each other during this tender time.

God Bless you and keep you, may he shine His face upon you and give you rest.

Have a Blessed Christmas.

Cari Zorno

Christmas Quandaries - The Feast

 The Feast

Before I even sit down at the Christmas table the aroma of ham with a brown sugar glaze just like Shirley made it, Aunt Carla's green been casserole and Abby's pumpkin pie invade my senses bringing back buried memories of helping  in the kitchen situating pans in the oven and then pulling them out steaming hot. The tears well up but I push them back, it is too early to get teary.

I watch my niece as she makes up plates for her kids. I help her get them settled at the children’s table. The table seats 4, her 3 children and one empty seat. My mother-in-law used to occupy that seat. We could not persuade her to join the adult table, she said it kept her young. She is gone but the memory is vivid. That seat was not left vacant on purpose but it might as well be.

We gather around the table which is decorated beautifully with ornaments, greenery and candles. This year there are three candles, one for each of my children who died over the last three years. Before we pray thanking God for all the blessings of this day we stop to light the candles. “As we light these candles let’s share things we remember about Josh, Beth, and Chris.” The candles are lighted and many wonderful memories are shared.

 Then there is a pause, I want to share but I cannot say a word for the tears have tightened my throat. Instead I reach into a bag and pull out three small stuffed animals. The first is a small raccoon Josh’s favorite animal, then a frog for Beth, and lastly a giraffe for Chris. I gently place these on the table and we include them in our celebration. I miss their smiles, hugs and laughter. I can’t keep back the tears but I have the assurance from God that someday we will again sit at a feast together, the wedding feast of the lamb.

 I sit down and use my napkin to dry the tears then reach for Scott’s hand, the circle continues until all hands are held around the table. We bow our heads and Scott says the blessing.

The Christmas feast for us is a shadow of the wedding feast of the Lamb. Christmas is the celebration of Heaven coming to earth and the wedding feast a celebration after we enter Heaven. Both done to thank God for sending us our redeemer.

What smells are memory triggers for you? 

Christmas Quandaries - Stockings

"What about Stockings?"

How many of us still dry our socks in front of the fire or wood stove? The number of homes with a fireplace is dwindling. Ok there are still some of us who live in snow country who heat with a wood stove and do hang stockings but we are small in number. No I am not talking about these stockings but the ones which are hung in hopes St. Nicholas will fill them.

Stockings are a long held tradition in our family and I get great pleasure filling them even for our married daughter and her husband. During our child rearing years I had four stockings to fill and now only one and her significant other, this may be why I still do it.

When the children were all here I would fill a stocking with an orange which would represent gold or success, or an apple representing health and nuts for hope. I would add a granola bar and box juice. The kids knew they were allowed to consume anything in their stocking before breakfast, giving me longer in which to make breakfast. Next would be socks which draped out the top and a small present such as the current matchbox car or jewelry. To finish it off I would hang a medium size candy cane. It was truly a work of art in which I took great joy creating.

Stockings were the first ‘present’ the kids could open till after the Christmas story was read and breakfast eaten. The memories around stocking stuffing and opening are very vivid for us.

When Josh, Beth and Chris were no longer celebrating Christmas with us but with Jesus we had to resolve;

“What do we do with the stockings?” 

We still hang all four, now five, stockings on the stair rail. We fill Abby and her husband Josh’s with the traditional fare but for Josh, Beth and Chris’ stockings we decided on a different kind of stuffing. We write notes to each of them each year. Some notes have stayed with the stockings when they are packed away for the other 11 months of the year. Other notes are read and put into keep sake boxes.

I get great comfort having the opportunity of writing the notes. Sometimes I tell them exciting things which happened during that year like if a friend of theirs got married or had a child. Other notes just tell them I love them and miss them.

Some years additional notes have appeared in the stockings written by others in the family or friends. In this way each of them is remembered in this part of Christmas. Their stockings are filled with the gold of love and letters of hope for we have the assurance of spending eternity with them. Eternity is a whole lot longer than the here and now.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believeth on His name will be saved.” John 3:16

Do you still hang stockings? What do you fill them with?
 

Christmas Quandaries - the tree

The Tree

It is now the week of Christmas. Friends have been asking me what we have done to prepare our home for Christmas. I would like to share some of our new traditions in hopes they will help you during this bitter sweet time of the year.

It took two weeks to get our tree up and decorated because of our schedules but it now has a prominent place in our living room. It is adorned with glass heirloom ornaments and new sparkly ones. We have the handmade ornaments with pictures of the kids growing up and ones bought on family vacations to spark memories. The new tradition we brought to our tree are ornaments which represent each of our loved ones who are spending Christmas with Jesus. Josh has a soldier, Beth a snowboarder, and Chris has two – a camping tent and snowboard boot. When we hung these we told stories and shed a few tears. They are with us in our hearts as we look at our tree.

 

There are a myriad of stories depicting where the tradition of the Christmas tree began but I am taking the one our pastor told us as our own. The Vikings saw the evergreen tree as a symbol of strength. It survived the long, dark, cold winters. They brought this reminder into their homes. When things got really tough and they felt as though they couldn’t survive they would see the tree and remember to be strong.

What a great symbol for us who celebrate a ‘blue’ Christmas. Grief is similar to winter because it too is long, dark, and cold but God wants us to remember He is with us. Through Him we can be “strong and courageous’ (Joshua 1:9) while leaning on Christ. One reason He came was to “bind up the brokenhearted”. May you feel God’s strength wrapped around you this Christmas season.

What did you do differently with your Christmas tree to remember your loved one this year?

Christmas in Heaven

                                    CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
                                                   author unknown

                I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below,
                With tiny lights, like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
                  The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away the tear,
                For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

                 I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,

          But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
                   I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
                    For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

                I know how much you miss me; the pain within your heart.
                      But I am not so far away; we really aren't apart.
                 So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear,
             And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than even the purest gold.
It is always most important in the stories Jesus told.



 Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
 For I can't count the blessings or love He has for you.
 So have a merrry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
 Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Thanksgiving is around the next bend and I don’t know about you but I am not ready for Christmas music being played and Christmas decoration already appearing in every store, mall and street corner. The first Holiday song I heard this last week and my response surprised me, “No, not yet!!” I want this time to focus on thanking God for what I have and for all the blessings He has given me.

When the Holiday season has an empty seat at the table we need to put a little more purpose in our preparation. Today I want to share with you Joanetta  Hendel’s;

Thoughts For The Holidays

Plan ahead

Bereaved individuals who experience the most difficulty with the holiday season are those who have given little thought to the challenges they will encounter. Consider ahead of time what may be expected of you (and by you), both socially and emotionally. 

Accept your limitations

Grief consumes most of your available energy no matter what the season. The holidays place additional demands on your time and emotions. Plan to lower your expectations to accommodate your current needs. 

Make Changes

Your circumstances have changed. Expect to make necessary alterations in holiday plans to accommodate those changes. Consider changing your rituals, and/or traditions to diminish stress. Serve notice on family and friends that this year things may be somewhat different. 

Trim Down Essentials

Limit social and family commitments to suit your available energy. Shop early or use catalog sales. Re-evaluate priorities and skip unnecessary activities and obligations. 

Ask for Help and Inform Others of Your Needs

Accept offers for assistance with holiday shipping, decorating, cleaning, cooking, etc. Chances are, our loved ones are looking for ways to lessen your burden at this time of year. Allow those who car about you to offer their support in concrete ways. Give family and friends the tools they need to help you through the holidays. Be specific about your preferences and desires, and keep them up –to-date when those needs change. 

 Build in Flexibility

Learn to “play it by ear.” There is no concrete formula for learning to deal with loss. You are the foremost authority on what is best for you, and your needs may legitimately change from day to day. Accept the fluctuations that must occur when walking in unknown territory, and learn to take each moment as it comes. 

Give Yourself Permission “To Be”

Allow breathing space and expect fluctuations in mood and perspective. The bereaved work overtime. Not only is life more complicated, but also all energy is siphoned into mental and emotional resolution. Grieving is God’s way of healing the mink and heart from the greatest injury of all. So allow yourself the privilege of limping until your wounds have healed and you can learn to run again.

What have you found helpful for facing the Holidays?