"A Mom's Unbelievable Loss"

I had the wonderful opportunity to appear on ChannelMom. Jenny interviewed me as I told my story. I would love to share it with you. Click on link below and click Watch Channel Mom and then "Mom's Unbelievable Loss" there are two parts. Join me as I walk through where Christ walked me and how he held me up.

Please share a time when you felt Christ holding you.
http://channelmom.com

Grief Alert: Expect Aftershocks

The sun is high in the sky. I begin to think of what on earth we will have for dinner, if I don’t start thawing something out now it will not be ready to cook in in seven hours. I stick my head into the chest freezer down stairs and pull out a container of beef vegetable soup, “That will work great with some corn bread.” I say to myself as I walk past the corner of Scott's desk which I do a couple dozen times a day. As I head up the stairs I feel a wave of intense grief, “where did that come from? This was a good day.” By the time I reached the living room I am in full sobs, sobs which had come on so quickly my tears had not caught up. I barely set the soup on the counter before collapsing in a chair overcome by tears. What did I touch of the kids? What memory intruded? What did I see? Oh, it was the picture of Chris on the mouse pad on Scott’s desk. I remembered walking past the desk and looking directly at it but not really thinking anything in particular. It was really not more than a glance. 

The picture had triggered thoughts, memories, and the reality of our deep loss. It wasn’t anything I meant to do or not to do. It just was and I needed to stop and allow the feeling to finish its course. Attempting to put off the feelings would not be emotionally healthy. I need to grieve. 

Finally I was able to begin catching my breath. I am left with a headache, wet eyes, and my aching heart. Jeep rose from his napping spot of the Sun patch in the living room. He came up to me and laid his head in my lap, I reached down to scratch him. He hears my grief, does he feel my pain? Does he miss Chris too? Jeep was Chris’ dog and it meant a lot to me for him to approach while I'm crying. Dog therapy can be very comforting. I reach down and he looked up then began to lick the tears from my face. I guess God choose to use the jaw bone of an ass in Sampson’s hand to defeat the Philistines, he can use the tongue of Chris’ dog to wipe the tears from my eyes and accomplish His work. I chuckle and kneel down beside him giving him a hug Jeep and pat his side. I feel relief. The tears were a good relief valve for me.

I had been knocked off my feet by an aftershock. I was thrown to the ground unable to defend myself against the onslaught of emotions and thoughts.  

Aftershocks happen, it is a part of the grievers reality. They are unpredictable and often even scary for the emotions can be very strong. They are ‘normal’ and healthy for it forces us to stop and feel. 

Feelings need expression, expression is as unique as our grief for we are all individuals. For some it is tears, that would be me, others express their feelings creatively in writing, art or song and some it is expressed physically by running or maybe biking. Expressing feelings of grief may reduce the occurrences of aftershocks but nothing really keeps them from never happening.

 

Where is the strangest place you have had an Aftershock? Me, Sam's club produce. Please share yours.

 

Cari

 

Christmas Quandaries - Christmas morning

Presents

I sit in my own living room this Christmas Eve looking at the Christmas tree and listening to Christmas music. We are spending Christmas Eve at home this year. We will attend our own church for evening service and Abby with her husband of 3 years now host Christmas Day at their new home. The three stuffed animals; a raccoon, a frog, and a husky will join us at her house as well as three candles will be lighted. We still remember our children who are not here to give gifts to but the memories are not piercing. The memories are sweeter, salted with tears.

It has taken us quite a bit of time to reach this point. As I look back over the last decade we have made a lot of changes trying out new traditions to see which one worked best. Maybe it was more to see which ones carried the least painful memories. We tried opening family presents on Christmas Eve saving Christmas day for opening of presents with extended family. This worked until Chris died on December 27^th forever changing Christmas.

The following year Scott, Abby and I decided we had to get away for the entire week from Christmas Eve to New Years Day. We continued opening presents on Christmas Eve but we spent Christmas Day skiing. Extended family worked with us on this and we gathered on New Years Day for Christmas present exchange. This seemed to take the brutal-ness out of the emotions. This continued for three years before we eased back into a more normal Christmas schedule.

We had to redesign Christmas annually and change things up. Each year we re-evaluated what traditions had to be done, what could only be done with help and which ones had to stay on the back burner for another year.  We learned to be patient with each other and considerate of their feelings.

Every grieving family needs to evaluate traditions for themselves. Some families will change very little others will make dramatic changes for a time and then revert back to close to how they used to be. Grief is unique, families are unique, traditions are unique be gentle with each other during this tender time.

God Bless you and keep you, may he shine His face upon you and give you rest.

Have a Blessed Christmas.

Cari Zorno

Christmas Quandaries - The Feast

 The Feast

Before I even sit down at the Christmas table the aroma of ham with a brown sugar glaze just like Shirley made it, Aunt Carla's green been casserole and Abby's pumpkin pie invade my senses bringing back buried memories of helping  in the kitchen situating pans in the oven and then pulling them out steaming hot. The tears well up but I push them back, it is too early to get teary.

I watch my niece as she makes up plates for her kids. I help her get them settled at the children’s table. The table seats 4, her 3 children and one empty seat. My mother-in-law used to occupy that seat. We could not persuade her to join the adult table, she said it kept her young. She is gone but the memory is vivid. That seat was not left vacant on purpose but it might as well be.

We gather around the table which is decorated beautifully with ornaments, greenery and candles. This year there are three candles, one for each of my children who died over the last three years. Before we pray thanking God for all the blessings of this day we stop to light the candles. “As we light these candles let’s share things we remember about Josh, Beth, and Chris.” The candles are lighted and many wonderful memories are shared.

 Then there is a pause, I want to share but I cannot say a word for the tears have tightened my throat. Instead I reach into a bag and pull out three small stuffed animals. The first is a small raccoon Josh’s favorite animal, then a frog for Beth, and lastly a giraffe for Chris. I gently place these on the table and we include them in our celebration. I miss their smiles, hugs and laughter. I can’t keep back the tears but I have the assurance from God that someday we will again sit at a feast together, the wedding feast of the lamb.

 I sit down and use my napkin to dry the tears then reach for Scott’s hand, the circle continues until all hands are held around the table. We bow our heads and Scott says the blessing.

The Christmas feast for us is a shadow of the wedding feast of the Lamb. Christmas is the celebration of Heaven coming to earth and the wedding feast a celebration after we enter Heaven. Both done to thank God for sending us our redeemer.

What smells are memory triggers for you? 

For the children in CT and their families

Heaven's Gate

Twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
When 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.
Their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air
They could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
They were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say.
They remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."
When what to their wondering eyes did appear,
But Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
Then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
And in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
Those children all flew into the arms of their King
And as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
One small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.
And as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."
Then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
Then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"
"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"
"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"
Then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"come now my children, let me show you around."
Excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
All displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
And I heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith, Mt. Wolf , PA