"A Mom's Unbelievable Loss"

I had the wonderful opportunity to appear on ChannelMom. Jenny interviewed me as I told my story. I would love to share it with you. Click on link below and click Watch Channel Mom and then "Mom's Unbelievable Loss" there are two parts. Join me as I walk through where Christ walked me and how he held me up.

Please share a time when you felt Christ holding you.
http://channelmom.com

Carrots, eggs or coffee

 "Which are you?"

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved a new one arose.

Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, "Tell me what do you see?"

"Carrots, eggs, and coffee," she replied.

She brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they got soft.She then asked her to take an egg and break it.

After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg.

Finally, she asked her to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled, as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked. "What's the point,grandmother?"

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity--boiling water--but each reacted differently.

The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened.

The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water they had changed the water.

"Which are you?" she asked her granddaughter.

"When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?"

Think of this: Which am I?

Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity, do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff?

Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and a hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you.

When the hours are the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate to another level?

Author unknown

Grief Alert: Expect Aftershocks

The sun is high in the sky. I begin to think of what on earth we will have for dinner, if I don’t start thawing something out now it will not be ready to cook in in seven hours. I stick my head into the chest freezer down stairs and pull out a container of beef vegetable soup, “That will work great with some corn bread.” I say to myself as I walk past the corner of Scott's desk which I do a couple dozen times a day. As I head up the stairs I feel a wave of intense grief, “where did that come from? This was a good day.” By the time I reached the living room I am in full sobs, sobs which had come on so quickly my tears had not caught up. I barely set the soup on the counter before collapsing in a chair overcome by tears. What did I touch of the kids? What memory intruded? What did I see? Oh, it was the picture of Chris on the mouse pad on Scott’s desk. I remembered walking past the desk and looking directly at it but not really thinking anything in particular. It was really not more than a glance. 

The picture had triggered thoughts, memories, and the reality of our deep loss. It wasn’t anything I meant to do or not to do. It just was and I needed to stop and allow the feeling to finish its course. Attempting to put off the feelings would not be emotionally healthy. I need to grieve. 

Finally I was able to begin catching my breath. I am left with a headache, wet eyes, and my aching heart. Jeep rose from his napping spot of the Sun patch in the living room. He came up to me and laid his head in my lap, I reached down to scratch him. He hears my grief, does he feel my pain? Does he miss Chris too? Jeep was Chris’ dog and it meant a lot to me for him to approach while I'm crying. Dog therapy can be very comforting. I reach down and he looked up then began to lick the tears from my face. I guess God choose to use the jaw bone of an ass in Sampson’s hand to defeat the Philistines, he can use the tongue of Chris’ dog to wipe the tears from my eyes and accomplish His work. I chuckle and kneel down beside him giving him a hug Jeep and pat his side. I feel relief. The tears were a good relief valve for me.

I had been knocked off my feet by an aftershock. I was thrown to the ground unable to defend myself against the onslaught of emotions and thoughts.  

Aftershocks happen, it is a part of the grievers reality. They are unpredictable and often even scary for the emotions can be very strong. They are ‘normal’ and healthy for it forces us to stop and feel. 

Feelings need expression, expression is as unique as our grief for we are all individuals. For some it is tears, that would be me, others express their feelings creatively in writing, art or song and some it is expressed physically by running or maybe biking. Expressing feelings of grief may reduce the occurrences of aftershocks but nothing really keeps them from never happening.

 

Where is the strangest place you have had an Aftershock? Me, Sam's club produce. Please share yours.

 

Cari

 

Emotional TBI

Ever feel brain damaged?

Have you experienced a traumatic loss? It is a loss which leaves you feeling as though you just got kicked in the gut, the rug was pulled out from under you, suddenly there is now nothing under your feet, you fall not knowing if there is a bottom to this hole. It is the loss that blindsides. Yes, that kind of loss. This is the loss that disables your equilibrium and sends you into a tail spin. This is traumatic loss.

Have you ever wished there were words to explain what you are feeling to someone who has never experienced a deep loss? Me too, that is until I stumbled onto the answer in a very strange place, an Emergency Medical Technician refresher course. See I told you it was strange. The lecture was on Traumatic brain injury, the lecturer had a lot of hands on experience with TBI. He was the head doctor for the clinic at the bottom of a major ski area. He saw dozens of head trauma cases each day. As he spoke I realized most of the indicators associated with a traumatic brain injury were things I had experienced while grieving the deaths of my two middle children in a motorcycle accident. Could a traumatic brain injury be caused by an emotional event?

What I found was a real eye opener to me. The symptoms lined up easily; headache, confusion, and memory loss, inability to concentrate, difficulty learning and retaining new information. Why the similarities? I began researching the possibilities and found what I was looking for. In an emotional trauma such as a traumatic death of a close friend or loved one a chemical is released in the brain to stimulate the neurons to create new pathways around the traumatized region of the brain where memory is stored in an effort to restore normalcy and make sense of the new normal without the loved one.* (Alan Kirk & Steve King 2012) This is the same chemical process for a physical TBI

I am brain damaged. Yes I found we who are grieving a traumatic loss are brain damaged. This helps to explain why when I was deep in grief I was forgetful and could not concentrate. For adults it could be as little as miss placing a set of keys or forgetting what they went downstairs for. It could also be as serious as getting lost while driving in an area of town which is normally very familiar or driving emotionally distracted possibly causing an accident. When kids experience a traumatic loss the inability to absorb new information can be a great frustration unless they understand where it is coming from. The part of the brain most affected is the learning center. Teachers who lighten a school load while still keeping the stability of a schedule is helpful for them. Now we know we are not going crazy, we are just brain damaged. Efforts need to be taken to enable the restoration of the different normal. Keeping lists, using post-it-notes and having an up to date calendar for appointments are steps in the right direction. Early in grief it is also a good idea to have someone who is thinking clearly to drive you places.

You may be asking, how long will this last? Doctors have found what we used to call concussions are truly more serious than was first thought. A second head trauma too soon after the first can cause death. The current estimated recovery time is now to be thought 6 months to a year. If a concussion takes 6 months to a year what makes us think we can recover from the trauma of a death in a matter of a couple months. No, everyone’s time line for walking through grief is different. It does take longer than we expect. Grief is unique to the person and the relationship they had with the deceased. Time is an important factor in getting through grief not because time has any magic but because the Holy Spirit heals using time to create pathways for new memories.

So in your grief, be good to yourself, be gentle to those who are grieving around you. We are brain damaged. In a physical brain injury recovery never is to 100% of what once was. The same is true for grief, no one will return to 100% of their “old self”, no matter how much friends want them too, for a part of their brain has been damaged.  When someone walks with Christ through their grief they can actually become a better person, a more compassionate person. God works all things for good for those who love him and are called according to His purpose… to be conformed to the likeness of Christ. (Romans 8:28-29)

God does not cause bad to bring good but he does take bad things that happen and turn them for good, our good.

Christmas Quandaries - Christmas morning

Presents

I sit in my own living room this Christmas Eve looking at the Christmas tree and listening to Christmas music. We are spending Christmas Eve at home this year. We will attend our own church for evening service and Abby with her husband of 3 years now host Christmas Day at their new home. The three stuffed animals; a raccoon, a frog, and a husky will join us at her house as well as three candles will be lighted. We still remember our children who are not here to give gifts to but the memories are not piercing. The memories are sweeter, salted with tears.

It has taken us quite a bit of time to reach this point. As I look back over the last decade we have made a lot of changes trying out new traditions to see which one worked best. Maybe it was more to see which ones carried the least painful memories. We tried opening family presents on Christmas Eve saving Christmas day for opening of presents with extended family. This worked until Chris died on December 27^th forever changing Christmas.

The following year Scott, Abby and I decided we had to get away for the entire week from Christmas Eve to New Years Day. We continued opening presents on Christmas Eve but we spent Christmas Day skiing. Extended family worked with us on this and we gathered on New Years Day for Christmas present exchange. This seemed to take the brutal-ness out of the emotions. This continued for three years before we eased back into a more normal Christmas schedule.

We had to redesign Christmas annually and change things up. Each year we re-evaluated what traditions had to be done, what could only be done with help and which ones had to stay on the back burner for another year.  We learned to be patient with each other and considerate of their feelings.

Every grieving family needs to evaluate traditions for themselves. Some families will change very little others will make dramatic changes for a time and then revert back to close to how they used to be. Grief is unique, families are unique, traditions are unique be gentle with each other during this tender time.

God Bless you and keep you, may he shine His face upon you and give you rest.

Have a Blessed Christmas.

Cari Zorno

Christmas Quandaries - The Feast

 The Feast

Before I even sit down at the Christmas table the aroma of ham with a brown sugar glaze just like Shirley made it, Aunt Carla's green been casserole and Abby's pumpkin pie invade my senses bringing back buried memories of helping  in the kitchen situating pans in the oven and then pulling them out steaming hot. The tears well up but I push them back, it is too early to get teary.

I watch my niece as she makes up plates for her kids. I help her get them settled at the children’s table. The table seats 4, her 3 children and one empty seat. My mother-in-law used to occupy that seat. We could not persuade her to join the adult table, she said it kept her young. She is gone but the memory is vivid. That seat was not left vacant on purpose but it might as well be.

We gather around the table which is decorated beautifully with ornaments, greenery and candles. This year there are three candles, one for each of my children who died over the last three years. Before we pray thanking God for all the blessings of this day we stop to light the candles. “As we light these candles let’s share things we remember about Josh, Beth, and Chris.” The candles are lighted and many wonderful memories are shared.

 Then there is a pause, I want to share but I cannot say a word for the tears have tightened my throat. Instead I reach into a bag and pull out three small stuffed animals. The first is a small raccoon Josh’s favorite animal, then a frog for Beth, and lastly a giraffe for Chris. I gently place these on the table and we include them in our celebration. I miss their smiles, hugs and laughter. I can’t keep back the tears but I have the assurance from God that someday we will again sit at a feast together, the wedding feast of the lamb.

 I sit down and use my napkin to dry the tears then reach for Scott’s hand, the circle continues until all hands are held around the table. We bow our heads and Scott says the blessing.

The Christmas feast for us is a shadow of the wedding feast of the Lamb. Christmas is the celebration of Heaven coming to earth and the wedding feast a celebration after we enter Heaven. Both done to thank God for sending us our redeemer.

What smells are memory triggers for you? 

For the children in CT and their families

Heaven's Gate

Twas' 11 days before Christmas, around 9:38
When 20 beautiful children stormed through heaven's gate.
Their smiles were contagious, their laughter filled the air
They could hardly believe all the beauty they saw there.
They were filled with such joy, they didn't know what to say.
They remembered nothing of what had happened earlier that day.
"where are we?" asked a little girl, as quiet as a mouse.
"this is heaven." declared a small boy. "we're spending Christmas at God's house."
When what to their wondering eyes did appear,
But Jesus, their savior, the children gathered near.
He looked at them and smiled, and they smiled just the same.
Then He opened His arms and He called them by name.
And in that moment was joy, that only heaven can bring
Those children all flew into the arms of their King
And as they lingered in the warmth of His embrace,
One small girl turned and looked at Jesus' face.
And as if He could read all the questions she had
He gently whispered to her, "I'll take care of mom and dad."
Then He looked down on earth, the world far below
He saw all of the hurt, the sorrow, and woe
Then He closed His eyes and He outstretched His hand,
"Let My power and presence re-enter this land!"
"may this country be delivered from the hands of fools"
"I'm taking back my nation. I'm taking back my schools!"
Then He and the children stood up without a sound.
"come now my children, let me show you around."
Excitement filled the space, some skipped and some ran.
All displaying enthusiasm that only a small child can.
And I heard Him proclaim as He walked out of sight,
"in the midst of this darkness, I AM STILL THE LIGHT."

Written by Cameo Smith, Mt. Wolf , PA

Christmas Quandaries - Stockings

"What about Stockings?"

How many of us still dry our socks in front of the fire or wood stove? The number of homes with a fireplace is dwindling. Ok there are still some of us who live in snow country who heat with a wood stove and do hang stockings but we are small in number. No I am not talking about these stockings but the ones which are hung in hopes St. Nicholas will fill them.

Stockings are a long held tradition in our family and I get great pleasure filling them even for our married daughter and her husband. During our child rearing years I had four stockings to fill and now only one and her significant other, this may be why I still do it.

When the children were all here I would fill a stocking with an orange which would represent gold or success, or an apple representing health and nuts for hope. I would add a granola bar and box juice. The kids knew they were allowed to consume anything in their stocking before breakfast, giving me longer in which to make breakfast. Next would be socks which draped out the top and a small present such as the current matchbox car or jewelry. To finish it off I would hang a medium size candy cane. It was truly a work of art in which I took great joy creating.

Stockings were the first ‘present’ the kids could open till after the Christmas story was read and breakfast eaten. The memories around stocking stuffing and opening are very vivid for us.

When Josh, Beth and Chris were no longer celebrating Christmas with us but with Jesus we had to resolve;

“What do we do with the stockings?” 

We still hang all four, now five, stockings on the stair rail. We fill Abby and her husband Josh’s with the traditional fare but for Josh, Beth and Chris’ stockings we decided on a different kind of stuffing. We write notes to each of them each year. Some notes have stayed with the stockings when they are packed away for the other 11 months of the year. Other notes are read and put into keep sake boxes.

I get great comfort having the opportunity of writing the notes. Sometimes I tell them exciting things which happened during that year like if a friend of theirs got married or had a child. Other notes just tell them I love them and miss them.

Some years additional notes have appeared in the stockings written by others in the family or friends. In this way each of them is remembered in this part of Christmas. Their stockings are filled with the gold of love and letters of hope for we have the assurance of spending eternity with them. Eternity is a whole lot longer than the here and now.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son that whosoever believeth on His name will be saved.” John 3:16

Do you still hang stockings? What do you fill them with?
 

Christmas Quandaries - the tree

The Tree

It is now the week of Christmas. Friends have been asking me what we have done to prepare our home for Christmas. I would like to share some of our new traditions in hopes they will help you during this bitter sweet time of the year.

It took two weeks to get our tree up and decorated because of our schedules but it now has a prominent place in our living room. It is adorned with glass heirloom ornaments and new sparkly ones. We have the handmade ornaments with pictures of the kids growing up and ones bought on family vacations to spark memories. The new tradition we brought to our tree are ornaments which represent each of our loved ones who are spending Christmas with Jesus. Josh has a soldier, Beth a snowboarder, and Chris has two – a camping tent and snowboard boot. When we hung these we told stories and shed a few tears. They are with us in our hearts as we look at our tree.

 

There are a myriad of stories depicting where the tradition of the Christmas tree began but I am taking the one our pastor told us as our own. The Vikings saw the evergreen tree as a symbol of strength. It survived the long, dark, cold winters. They brought this reminder into their homes. When things got really tough and they felt as though they couldn’t survive they would see the tree and remember to be strong.

What a great symbol for us who celebrate a ‘blue’ Christmas. Grief is similar to winter because it too is long, dark, and cold but God wants us to remember He is with us. Through Him we can be “strong and courageous’ (Joshua 1:9) while leaning on Christ. One reason He came was to “bind up the brokenhearted”. May you feel God’s strength wrapped around you this Christmas season.

What did you do differently with your Christmas tree to remember your loved one this year?

Christmas in Heaven

                                    CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN
                                                   author unknown

                I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below,
                With tiny lights, like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
                  The sight is so spectacular; please wipe away the tear,
                For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

                 I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear,

          But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
                   I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring,
                    For it is beyond description to hear the angels sing.

                I know how much you miss me; the pain within your heart.
                      But I am not so far away; we really aren't apart.
                 So be happy for me, dear ones, you know I hold you dear,
             And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift, from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory of my undying love.
After all, love is a gift more precious than even the purest gold.
It is always most important in the stories Jesus told.



 Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
 For I can't count the blessings or love He has for you.
 So have a merrry Christmas and wipe away that tear.
 Remember, I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

Grieve Well, Live Well week 8 No Other Gods

No Other Gods

Have you experienced a traumatic loss? It is that loss which leaves you feeling as though you just got kicked in the gut, the rug was pulled out from under you and you find there is now nothing under your feet; you fall not knowing how far the bottom is beneath you. It is the loss that blindsided you even if you thought you knew it was coming it still came out of nowhere. Yes, that kind of loss. This is the loss that disables your equilibrium and sends you into a tail spin. This is traumatic loss.

Maybe it was the death of a spouse, your “better half” who was by your side for richer or poorer, through the good times and the bad which wedding vows speak of. They were your right hand, the one who took the trash out and balanced the checkbook. Maybe this was a parent who loved you even when you were flunking math and your room was knee deep in clothes. They loved you in spite of knowing all your shortcomings.

For me, it was my children’s deaths.  The ones who defined my life with purpose:  homeschooling, feeding, clothing, and bathing them. Together Scott and I poured our hearts into leading them toward the paths of righteousness. Now, I am no longer a mother of four as my job description changed in one breath, one heartbeat. I was devastated, traumatized and felt as if I could not go on. For a while my life stood still and the thought of one step at a time was too big, I had to get through each moment before going on to the next. It took time but I realized this loss was not central to my being. I could go on for the one central to my life was still there. Jesus promised though my house felt empty, though half my children no longer waked this earth, He would never leave me or forsake me. He kept His promise and He was still by my side, closer than my next breath.

No one wants to feel the pain of loss. It is traumatic when someone who was once here is no longer. If that person was the center of your life it may seem as though now there is no reason to go on. If you do go on you may want to wall yourself off from any relationship, for relationships end in pain. Our culture wants us to think we can create a shell around our hearts, letting no one in. By doing so we believe we  can avoid getting deeply hurt. Taking this position can lead to a very dangerous place. When you wall yourself off you have created a prison for no one but you.

God does not want that for us. He wants our hearts to be tender and compassionate. He gave us the solution in the very beginning, “Have no other God’s before me” (Exodus 20:3). Placing God at the center of our lives gives us a place of refuge when all else goes wrong. “Because you are my help I will sing under the shadow of your wing” (Psalm 63:7). There is comfort in knowing we are safe in God’s arms when the entire world is against us. “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you, He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 31:8).

If you are feeling as if you lost your purpose, your center, and you cannot go on, consider putting Christ at the center of your life. He brings peace, strength, and refuge in the storm. With Christ in the center of our lives we are able to face any trial for “If God is for us who can be against us?’ (Romans 8:31). We do not have a choice whether to have trial or not. We all face storms; it is part of living on this earth. Our choice is who we go to when life is at its worst. Even when you don’t feel God, he is there.

What do you do to keep Christ in the center of your life?
 

Grieve Well, Live Well week 7 - Beauty

Surrounded by Beauty

Today I find myself lured outside on a wonderful crisp Colorado Autumn day. The music of fall sounds gently surround me, the wind chimes mix a high pitch tinkle with a lower rich melody backed up by the wind as it winds its way through the pine trees  and rustles through the golden aspen leaves translucent with the afternoon sun– a true symphony to my ears. I listen as the grasshopper clicks itself in flight and a neighbor’s dog alerts me to an intruding deer or fox. The cool fall breeze carries on it different fragrances than spring, it is of mums, marigolds and drying grasses. Peace and tranquility. The sights, sounds and smells of fall bring me healing and refreshment

When we are deep in grief it is important to surround ourselves with beauty, not equal to our sorrows but in excess. Fill your senses with a symphony whether that is a piano concerto, your favorite music or the nature around you. You might enjoy an abundance of blooms in varied colors and floral arrangements, others love a garden. I enjoy a mountain stream and wild flowers but would never turn my nose up at a beautiful bouquet of roses. Beauty is important in healing at the soul level so surround yourself with it.

What is beauty to you? Are you taking time to allow it to soak into your soul?

Grieve well, live well series Week 6

                                                                   REGRETS

Beth ran down the stairs excited out of her skin, she gets to ride on Josh’s new motorcycle. Everyone else had gotten a ride, well except for dad who did not want one under any circumstance! Josh and Beth had shared everything since she was born. She was two and a half years younger than him but they have looked like twins for the last six years. This really irritated Josh, he was the older brother and wasn’t afraid to correct any misconceptions. Now he was twenty and in the Army National Guard. He seemed to have grown taller, wiser, and older. Finally Beth was truly his ‘little sister’. I gave Josh a hug and turned to give Beth one too but she already had her helmet on and was swinging onto the back of the bike, she couldn’t wait. Josh gave her some basic instructions and off they rode. Quite a pair those two, both in love with life and the adventure it held.

That was the last time I saw them. Three miles away from home the bike caught gravel in the middle of our little mountain road and they crossed into oncoming traffic. In that moment they both slid through the gates of heaven and into Jesus’ loving arms. I slid into the darkness where, over time, I learned firsthand about God’s way of grieving, versus the worlds way. I am often asked if I have any regrets, of course I do. I regret not giving Beth a hug and telling them that I loved them one last time. I regret not telling Josh to be extra careful with his sister on the back. Honestly I regret ever giving her permission to even ride. Can I fix those regrets? No, I can’t. Does God want me to just live with them? I don’t believe so.

Some regrets are the enemies lies, “If you were a better mother you would have said ‘no’.” or “You are guilty for allowing her to go, now it is your fault they are dead.” Just to name a couple possibilities. I had a decision to make; I could accept those lies and live with the guilt and regret. This choice would eat away at me and my peace. Or, I could release them and follow Romans 12:18 “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you live in peace with everyone.” Clinging to the regret or false guilt would only bring me harm. These regrets need to be expressed. Reconciliation is needed. I needed to speak the truth in love even when speaking it to myself. It could be that making peace with someone who had died means writing them a letter asking for forgiveness. Maybe it is a fresh entry in my journal expressing that regret or false guilt, in a way getting it off my chest. I am not responsible for the other person’s reaction, since the recipients are now walking with Christ I am doing my part and leaving the rest up to God. At this point I have followed, “As far as it depends on me, live in peace with everyone.”

Expressing regrets is not easy. It takes time to formulate what the regrets are and what needs to be done to express them. This is not a quick fix, regrets repeatedly pop their heads up like the groundhogs I just can’t seem to get rid of in my yard. The longer it has been the less often I need to deal with them. Some people do not have any regrets, they are fortunate indeed. For those of us who have regrets, express them and lay them before our Lord. He is in the business of forgiveness.

Lets review:

World’s way to grieve                  God’s way to grieve

Replace the loss                        Feel the pain, express your feelings fully

Bury the pain                             Review the loss, spend time in the sad places

Grieve alone                                   Grieve in community

Live with regret                              Express regrets, seek reconciliation

 

What are your regrets? How have you expressed them?

       

Grieve Well, Live Well Series Week 5

Time heals... really?

There are three things we have covered concerning walking through grief. Let’s review what we have already discussed:

World’s way to grieve                 God’s way to grieve       

Replace the loss                      Feel the pain, express your feeling fully

Bury the pain                           Review the loss, spend time in the sad places

Grieve alone                            Grieve in community

 

Today I want to address the question I am most often asked, “How long does it take to get over it?”

The underlying question really is, “How much time does it take to heal?” There is a lie tied into that question, time heals. We have all heard, and some of us are guilty of even telling someone, “Time heals all wounds, just give it time.” I believe even I have given children who have lost a loved pet and teens with a broken heart that destructive sympathy, honestly thinking I was helping. I now know it is a lie. What I have learned over the last eight years is that only the Holy Spirit brings healing. 

I am not an experienced Gardner but I have given it the old “College try”. One thing I experienced is that if in my exuberance in trimming my daises I clip off one of my precious buds, of which I have very few, no matter what effort I put in it will not reattach its self-back to the main stem. Despite being a living thing it cannot heal. I can bandage, tape it with floral tape, fertilize the main plant and give it all the time in the world but it will never re-attach, it was not created to be able to. Time does not heal my daisy.  

If in that same moment of exuberance in trimming my daises I get my hand in the way I have a choice to make. Now we don’t ever consider it a choice but give me a bit of artistic license here. One choice is to leave it be, do nothing. Imagine if I were to just continue gardening as if nothing happened, except that I would be dripping blood all over my garden. If I just leave it alone, let’s say it doesn’t become infected, it will still heal kind of. The scar will be nasty and unsightly. It will hurt anytime someone touches it but it does heal over. 

Option two I am sure you already have running over in your mind. Yes, I go running into the house screaming, “Who had the first aid kit last?!” I scrub it out with bactine, put on steri-stips, antibiotic cream, and gauze then bind it up. Next I look up when my last tetanus shot was. After gathering everyone up I head off to the doctor’s office for stitches. I told you I was exuberantly trimming right? God in His sovereignty created our bodies to heal but there are steps we need to take to aid in that healing.  

Healing in grief is the same way. We have a choice, we can bury it (ignore it). It will scab over and a scar will cover it but the scar is not really hidden it is not healed. There is great pain when it is bumped up against by another death. When we seek God’s help in walking through grief he leads us through and gives us the Holy Spirit to bind up our broken hearts. It is not the time that heals but God’s touch through time. The community that has surrounds you in your time of grief is part of that healing in being “Jesus with skin on” they are His representatives. Though He is always with us in spirit He cannot physically hold us. He gave us spiritual nurses ready with listening ears, hugs, Kleenex, a pan of lasagna, and a community to walk with you through the healing time.  

Helpers: Keep in touch. The three month, six month, and nine month anniversaries are difficult days to navigate alone. Send a card, drop off fresh flowers, or make a phone call. Any of these will bring comfort; it is the sincerity that counts. The yearly mark I like to call the “Angelversary”. This is not because I believe they become angels but because they are now hanging out with the angels. Acknowledge this date with special love and attention.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grieve Well, Live Well Series - Week 4

                                                                  COMMUNITY

“Come with me by your selves to a quiet place and get some rest,” Jesus said to his disciples. (Mark 6:10) He had just received the news that John had been beheaded. The crowds had gathered around Jesus and his disciples not even giving them a chance to eat. Jesus knew he needed to get away, not alone right then but with His closest friends, his disciples. They got into a boat and attempted to withdraw to a solitary place.

After a death the family gets invaded. The ant pile has been stirred bringing family and friends from all across the country and everyone is congregating around the hurting family. Everyone wants to help ease the pain but truthfully no one really knows how to do that except by being there. All this is good and healthy but can be overwhelming at the time. This is especially true if the death is sudden or there is a child who died.

                Eventually the crowds leave. The extended family leaves. The sympathy cards stop. The house gets, well honestly, cemetery quiet. This is when community is needed. God created us to be in community, “It is not good that man be alone”. Life is too hard to navigate alone. How often do we tell our kids they need to have a ‘buddy’? It is not safe to swim alone, bike alone, or hike alone. Why do we think we can find our way through life alone?

Community is more than just two people. It is a support system, a network of people working together to bring support and compassion for an extended period of time. Support like this needs to be established ahead of time. I truly believe this is one of the reasons why we are told to, “not forsake the fellowshipping of the brethren.”  It is an intregal our part of our support system.

Jesus’ support system was his disciples. He made great effort to get away from the hub-bub with them. He was able to accomplish part of that just being in the boat while crossing the lake. When they arrived a crowd had already gathered and His alone time with the disciples stopped because he had compassion on the people. He ended up feeding 5,000 that day.  Just as the people finished eating he ordered the disciples to get into the boat and leave, without Him. He had a plan. He dismissed the crowd and went up on a mountainside to pray. He spent time alone with His Father. The next recorded action was not until the middle of the night when He walked on water out to meet up with the disciples. Jesus took the time to be in community with His disciples and with His Father.

When you are grieving you have a need to be surrounded by your support community. You also have a need to spend time with the source of your strength, God. When you have been with Him in focused time whether that is on a walk, alone in your room or sitting quietly encircled by your friends, you gain strength to put one foot in front of the other. You also have people willing to walk with you.

While a close relationship with God is irreplaceable sometimes a friend becomes “Jesus with skin on”. Since He can’t physically be with you He has sent friends to serve in this capacity at times.

Helpers: Be “Jesus with skin on” to those who are grieving. Surround them with community by your presence, words, and deeds.

 

Grieve Well, Live Well - Series - Week 3

REVIEW and HANG OUT

Ok, I will admit this right up front. This week has been very hard to write and I have started it three times. Each time I approach this week’s grief subject from another angle and it still feels more like I am writing a text book than a blog. BLAH!! Grief has so many facets it is hard to pin down and cover only one. Feelings bounce up and down leaving us feeling more like a punching bag or a ping pong ball, up and down, back and forth; never stopping then leaving us just plain beat up.

Our culture teaches us to bury our feelings with busyness and preoccupation. There are times when burying it seems like the easy way to deal with our grief. Galatians 6:7 us about burying seeds, it goes something like this:

“you reap what you sow”

 Hummm so if I sow grief, by burying it, what will I reap?? I have seen this harvest, it is anger, depression, self-medicating with drugs or alcohol just to name a few. I do not want my grief to haunt me years from now. God has given us a different way of dealing with grief.  Psalms 126:5 gives us a better way to heal.

“Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy.”

 Sow with tears! This is contrary to our culture telling us to burying the pain. When Jesus learned of his cousin’s beheading (John the Baptist was beheaded by Herod) there were people swarming to him. He tried to get away and rest by getting into the boat and traveling across the lake. (Mark 6:12) They still found him and hemmed him in as soon as he stepped ashore. He was kept busy until late into the night. He fed them then immediately ordered the disciples to get into the boat and sent them away. Jesus then dismissed the people and went away to the mountain to pray. (Mark 6:46) He needed time to grieve, to review the loss and hang out in the sad place. We do not know what exactly he did during that time for the next time the disciples saw him he was walking on water. I don’t know about you but when I spend time in my grief with God he meets me there and I walk away with a fresh perspective. It looks like Jesus did the same after spending time with His Father.

So what can we learn from this? Review the loss. Hang out in the sad place letting the pain settle into the soul. Reflection and review is needed to help the brain to adjust to the new reality. This takes time and doesn’t happen just once. This week was one of those times of review and reflection, hanging out in the sad places. Even after six years there are moments where I just flat miss my children and feel the hole their deaths have left in my heart. The further away from my loss the longer it is between these times and the shorter the sad times last. I have found it healthy and healing to stop and just “hang out” when the sad times come.

For the helpers: Please do not rush a person who is grieving. You may want your old friend back. Please realize they have a new reality to adjust to and grief does not have a time table. Be patient, be present, be accepting.

Grieve Well, Live Well Week 2

Little things are BIG

             A memorial service has just concluded. The fellowship hall is crowded. The kitchen counter is overflowing with food. Fresh cut flowers dot the room in their varied colors and the blended fragrances send a pleasant aroma into the air. The beauty of the arrangements triggers the thought, deep sorrow needs intense beauty. Young children play tag weaving in and out of the chairs and groups of adults who are engaged in differing depths of conversation. The unspoken question in this room is “How can I support and be a real help for the family?”  Paul gives us the first clue on grieving well and helping the grieving.      

                                        “Mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15 

                Our culture goes against what God says, it has taught us beginning very young to cry alone. Who has heard a parent say “Stop crying or I will give you something to cry about” or “If you are going to cry go to your room”. God tells us to cry together.  But what does it look like? Yes, some of us can easily cry with them but others find it more difficult.  Mourning with them does not mean we necessarily need to shed tears.  It is being with them while they mourn that is needed. A box of Kleenex is a good idea to have available, for the griever to grab. In our culture giving a person a tissue is a silent, often sub conscious, gesture which means, “now stop and dry off”.  Sitting there when there are no words said or the all-important “listening ear” is needed also. Mourning is the outward expression of deep sorrow. Not all mourning is done with tears. Jesus wept at the hoe of Mary and Martha after Lazarus died. He knew that he was goig to raise Lazarus but Lazarus would have to eventually die. I believe Jesus felt the sister's pain and he wept with them in their pain.

“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.”  Ephesians 4:2

            There are Mary and Martha helpers. The Martha’s cook the meals, babysit the kids or maybe clean the house. The Mary’s cry with them and listen or take the griever by the hand and lead them outside for fresh air and maybe a long possibly silent walk.  We each have an important part. The one who makes a daily phone call just to check on how things are going is just as important. Asking “How are you doing?” is very awkward but asking “How is today?” is much more realistic though each step of each day can be different.  

The time around the death and the funeral is often filled with out of town family. As this attention dwindles it is the time for the church family and friends to step up. Every grief is unique and the needs of each griever should be considered. Do not make any assumptions. Make suggestions and listen to the answers. Desires and needs change, don’t be afraid to make the same suggestion again.

Of top importance for the griever in order to grieve well is, give yourself permission to express your feelings. Feelings need to be expressed to heal. Feelings are erratic and often repetitious. Be patient with yourself and your friends and FEEL.

Throughout the grieving process the little things are BIG.

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Grieve well, live well series - Week 1

“Why?”

Karen pulled up to Sue’s house searching for a parking place. The street is lined with cars and her drive way was full. Karen’s heart was pounding and feet felt like lead. “What did my pastor say? Sue’s son Aaron was riding his bike and a car rounded the corner too fast and hit him. He died instantly.” That cut Karen to the quick. Karen had watched Aaron grow up. He is… O Lord was, her son’s best friend.

Karen painstakingly climbed the stairs to the front door. “What can I say?” she kept asking herself. The door was not all the way closed, she could see that the living room was full but she was compelled to find Sue. All she wanted to do was hug her and say something to bring Sue comfort. Scanning the room she found Sue sitting in the corner chair surrounded by other friends, sobbing. A lone Kleenex box sat in front of her, empty. Karen was glad she had grabbed a box as she ran out the door. Their eyes met as Karen knelt before Sue. They both had the same question on their minds with different intentions, “Why?” Karen was searching, “Why Sue? How can I help?” Sue was pleading for answers, “Why me? Why now?” screamed in her head. Karen wrapped Sue in her arms and they cried.

We are all unprepared for a loved one’s death. It doesn’t matter if it was after an extended illness or a sudden tragedy. We are never ready. God did not create this world to have death, but he knows it is now a part of life in this fallen world. In His word He has shown us how to grieve in a healthy, healing way.

Follow me and over the next few weeks we will uncover the way God wants us to grieve. In doing this we will also discuss how to come alongside those who are grieving and help them grieve well.